I grew up being told that I cried too much, laughed too loudly, and ate/weighed too much. Just too much. More recently, as an adult, I was told that I had leveled up with the love of my life. Like, I wasn't enough.
Sooo am I too much or not enough? Which one is it?
HA! No wonder I am confused all the time when I am trying to be myself. Maybe I don't know who I truly am. Or, I do, but I am too nervous to BE that person.
Thank God for therapy. Am I right? LOL
Am I too much?
Too often I think my man will leave me if I cry too many days in a row or if I speak up when something hurts my feelings. I mean, that 's what my dad did/does. I am positive that there have been happy times with my dad, but all that sticks in my mind is being yelled at to stop crying. Or yelled at because he thought I was lying about something (never). He even told me once that he won't go see funny movies with me anymore because I laugh too loudly. Multiple times my dad completely stopped talking to me because we didn't agree on something small or there was a misunderstanding he would never let me explain. You know, because I didn't know what I was talking about. Instead I just wouldn't hear from him for months or sometimes a year at a time. This started at a very young age and still goes on to this day, as a 39 year old.
Let. me. tell. you. This will create anxiety in you. In anyone! It made me feel like I was too much and that I did not have a voice. Though I have come a long way in this area, it definitely hangs out in the back of my mind when I communicate in my current relationships, especially the romantic one. I THINK I am loved but I am terrified of speaking up. I'm speaking up more now than I ever have, but I am scared to death when I do it. Sometimes I cry with guilt afterwards and have irrational fears of people leaving me for good or only being my friend as a joke.
Maybe I'm not enough.
The day I was told that I "leveled up" in my romantic relationship, I thought I was gonna break in half. Probably because in my heart of hearts I kind of believed it. I had to run through some facts in my head so I didn't have a breakdown: I have a steady career that I am great at, I've owned my own home for almost a decade, I pay all my bills on time, have great friends (if they aren't messing me with me), a great church family, side passions, blah blah blah. I thought all these things as I looked up at the most handsome man that I have ever been with and cried. I thought there is no way I am good enough for him.
I still feel lesser than. How could he love someone like me? I am not skinny and sexy, I'm introverted but have strong opinions, and I do not cater to men just because. That is not always enough for others. They want someone more outgoing, more in shape, more sweet.
So who am I supposed to be? If I'm myself, won't people leave me?
Ya ya ya...I know, I'm a Christian, and know I have God and God loves me no matter what because he made me special. So I should be happy and content with that. But. We are here on earth right now and God has placed people around us because we need them. We are not meant to be alone. Know what I mean?
Why can't I just be Goldilocks? Be just right. Or at least be brave enough to try.